my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
