WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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