you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
