Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
