How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Holy shit dude........stairs
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