i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
