i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
