and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
