Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
