Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
