Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
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Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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