He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
