My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
