Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
