Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
