She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
