There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
