apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
