Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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