My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
