ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
