life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Randomize
