I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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