Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
