how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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