the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
