I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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