When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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