Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
