I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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