dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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