come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
