I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
