I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
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DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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