Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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