I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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