Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently you make a good broom.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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