fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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