My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
