i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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