i jhust puked up my retainher.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
