I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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