Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
