My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
