That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
