3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
