remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
