I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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