My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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