look no pants
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
honey bunches of taint.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
