how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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