you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
