I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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