I met the friendliest cop last night
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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