I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
