I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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