I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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